Joke of the day

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no eye deer!

What does a one legged balerina wear?

A one-one!

Are you eating Laffy Taffy right now?

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Don’t matter! He wont come anyway!

Man, I hope he`s not making these up on his own

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?

Sparky

What do you call a man with no arms and legs lying in a ditch?

Phil

What do you call a man with no arms and legs sitting infront of your door?

Matt

Whaddya call a one legged woman?

Eileen.

What if she was Asian?

Irene.

Confuscious say;
man who run in front of car going to get tired…….

he also say;
man who run after car get exhausted….

Confuscious also say;
man who goes through airport turnstile sideways going to bangcock……

Every Sunday afternoon everyone in the neighborhood would meet at the nearby cross roads and country store to compare their weekend catches. Everyone had normal size fish except this one old farmer who had always brought in huge fish. The game warden heard about this and showed up one Sunday afternoon. After inspecting the old farmers fish, he turned to the farmer and said “If you don’t show me your fishing spot , I’m going to have to close you down.” The farmer replied by telling him to come out to the farm in the morning and he would take him fishing. The next morning the game warden shows up with his pole and the farmer tells him to climb onto the tractor. They head out into this big field until they come to a little pond. The warden is scratching his head because all he sees is a rotten old skiff, when he expected a large lake and something closer to a yacht. The farmer said to get in and they start rowing out to the middle. About this time the warden notices that there are no fishing poles. As he is about to say something, the farmer reaches into a box and pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it into the pond. After the water and smoke settle, he paddles around picking up the fish. The warden’s jaw is on the deck. He can’t talk for a minute. When he finds his voice, he starts in on the farmer about how he can’t believe what just happened and starts screaming to the farmer about all the regulations he has broken. While this is taking place the farmer calmly reaches into the box grabs another stick of dynamite, lights it, hands it to the warden and asks him if he is going to fish or talk.

40 Years Together
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 40 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?” he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?”

“Yes, I remember.” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues…”Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 40 years?'”

“I remember that, too.” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says “I would have gotten out today.”

Ole and Sven and dere families live in da voods & share da same outhouse. Vun day Sven comes to Ole & says, “Ole, I got some bad news, eh? Da outhouse is full up an’ ve should do sometin’ about it.” Ole tinks fer a minit an’ says, “Ya know, Sven, I don’t much wanna shovel dat stuff outa dere. Ya know dat I usta verk fer da iron mines down dere in Visconsin. I usta set da charges dat vould blast da ore out. I tink I could set up a charge under da outhouse, blow all da crap outa dere an’ leave da outhouse standin’ pretty as ya please. “Vell, Ole,” says Sven, ” if you could do dat, you vould be a God!” So dey go off to get da dynamite to do da yob. Dey come back an’ Ole sets da charge yust so. Sven an’ Ole are stretchin’ out da ignition cable into da voods and disappear behind da trees yust as Ole’s vife, Lena, comes outa da house headin’ fer da outhouse. Yust as she gets inside an’ settles down Sven an’ Ole set off da charge. BOOOOOOOM!!!! an all da mud under da outhouse goes blastin’ out into da voods. Ven da dust settles dey see dat da outhouse is standin’ dere yust like Ole promised. Yust den da door flies open an’ Lena stumbles outa da outhouse coughin’ an’ beatin’ da dust offa her an’ mutters, “Geez, I’m glad I didn’t do dat in da house!!”

Here is my FAVORITE(religious)golf joke! Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. At the first tee box Moses tees off first and sticks it within 20 feet of the cup. Everybody says “Nice Shot Moses”. Now, Jesus is up and rips his tee shot to within 12 inches from the pin. Everybody is high-fiving him and praising the shot. Lastly, it’s the old mans turn. He slices his tee shot into the woods. A raccoon comes running out onto the fareway with the ball in his mouth. Just as this happens an eagle sees the raccoon and swoops down and picks up the raccoon. Now the eagle is flying away and lightning strikes the eagle, causing it to drop the raccoon. The raccoon drops the ball as he is falling and the ball lands in the hole! Jesus turns to the old man and says,”NICE SHOT DAD!”.

How do you know when your getting too fat?

when you get in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises……….