Okay, since I stupidly engaged in answering political threads I am trying to make amends.
I am cutting and pasting these in case you want to keep some of them without re-typing.
Stupid sayings
PONDERING…
According to my scale, my mask weighs 7 lbs
What if Stacy’s Mom was really Jessie’s girl and her number was 867-5309?
I’d like to thank whoever told my mom that “WTF” means “Wow That’s Fantastic”. Her texts are so much more fun now.
To the person who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy.
Got up this morning and ran around the block five times. Then I got tired. So, I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.
Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin…and muffins are healthy. You’re welcome.
Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Isles? Same thing – not one canary there either.
Star Trek Question: How much Jim Beam could Jim beam, if Jim could beam Jim Beam?
HARD LESSON:
I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn’t get pulled over or anything, I just showed up for work 20 minutes early.
2021 New year’s resolution: I’m giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong. I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.
When I was little, I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.
The Seven Dwarfs have been advised that as of today, they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn’t Happy.
MOM THOUGHTS…
Sometimes, in the quiet, I stare at my husband when he isn’t looking and I think to myself. He’s one lucky SOB.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom. So I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My husband called tonight and asked what I was cooking for dinner. We laughed and laughed. Then he said, “Seriously, what do you need from the liquor store?”
Thinking of sleeping on my husband’s side of the bed. Apparently from that side, you don’t hear the kids wake up at night.
DAD THOUGHTS…
Dad: Son, would you like anything to eat for dinner?
Son: What are my choices?
DAD: Yes or no.
George de Mestral, the inventor of Velcro died. RIP
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.” I replied, “Tell him he’s very good. I don’t have a son.”
They’re building a mirror factory in town. I could see myself working there.
I bought coconut shampoo today. But when I got home, I realized…I don’t have a coconut.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head…He said, “tell me more.”
A farmer used his government stimulus money to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I went to a psychic and knocked on her front door. She yelled, “Who is it?” So I left.
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit COVID, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore. W.H.O. let the dogs out.
The guy who stole my iPad should…. Face time.
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair. But then she sat in it. Eventually she came around.
I hate it when my wife says: “Are you listening to me?” It’s such a random way to start a conversation.
The sweater I received for Christmas was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to exchange it. They gave me another one, free of charge.
I had the rudest, slowest cashier today. I guess it’s my own fault for using the self-service checkout.
Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king but made a great ruler.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet? I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Instead of water, I put Red Bull in the back of my coffee maker this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim…that way it sounds better when I say I go the Jim every morning.
During child birth, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.
Waiter: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
